The Evolution of Solitude

When I first became an adult 7 years ago, my social life changed considerably. The moment you stop going to school, you don't see your old friends every day anymore, and making new ones becomes a massive challenge. For the first few years of my adulthood, things were even harder because I wasn't working and I wasn't going to college, and outside of those environments, it is almost impossible to socialize.

Of course, people always suggest going to bars or parties, but that never worked for me. I don't drink alcohol, and I really don't like the kind of music that plays at most parties here in Brazil. Going to those places completely alone meant I couldn't really enjoy myself, so it wasn't a real option. All I had left was the internet.

I got to meet hundreds of people online, but it never translated into real-life friendships. We could never actually go out and hang out. Most of the time, it was because we were just too different, or simply because the other person lived too far away. Spending those first few years completely alone was making me go crazy. I was genuinely starving for a connection.

But as time went by, I find myself in a completely different situation: I actually prefer to be alone. I’ve realized that most people are just selfish and boring, and that spending time with them means you have to do what they want, instead of the things you like to do. Besides, going out involves way too much time and money. The world didn't change much these last few years, but I guess I changed. Now, instead of constantly longing for a connection, all I want is peace.

My current job has made this even stronger as I spend all of my energy on my 12-hour shifts. So when I finally get home, I don't care about a single thing, I just want to forget about the world and be left alone. Still, sometimes I wonder about the future: am I ever going to be able to have a meaningful relationship or get married if I prefer my solitude over anything else? I tell myself that I just have to find the right person, but sometimes, I think she might not even exist.